torstai 21. heinäkuuta 2016

Open letter to my body

Dear body that I live in,

I'm sorry for hating you for so long.
I'm sorry for shaming you, for even truly despising you sometimes
I'm sorry for beating you up and trying to force you to be something that you could never be
I'm sorry for demanding you to fit those crazy expectations that I know now are not healthy
I'm sorry I didn't give you enough rest
I'm sorry I didn't provide you with enough nurture and appreciation
I'm sorry I didn't love you for the shape and size that you are
I'm sorry for always wanting more, better, faster, skinnier, more muscular, more feminine body
I'm sorry I didn't appreciate and cherish you, since there was nothing wrong with you
I'm sorry I didn't see that you were capable of so many things

With this body,
I could run fast or slow
I could jump, sprint and climb
I could dance all night long
I could carry even heavy things and not feel tired
I could write on paper, I could draw, I could paint
I could do so many things that I can no longer do, but these things I took for granted

I'm sorry for always pushing you to achieve more, because that's what I thought I was supposed to do
I'm sorry for being too weak to find my own way, instead I pursued all  the wrong things
I'm sorry for trying to make you fit in, when all you wanted to do was to stand out
I'm sorry I forgot my inner beauty in pursuit of the perfect figure, that in reality is only a picture drawn on water, not real, not achievable, not worth it
I'm sorry I let people call you names and I wasn't strong enough to stand up for you
I'm sorry for staring at you in the mirror everyday and saying those same ugly things to you that others had once called you
I'm sorry for hiding you, and being ashamed of you for all my life
I'm sorry I didn't see the beauty in you, the strength in you, the uniqueness in you...

I'm sorry that for so long I couldn't realize that you are not the only representation of me, my value as a person is not solely based upon my looks.  You are not all that matters.

Even though I'm battling with an illness physically and mentally, it doesn't make me undesirable, ugly, weak or not worth it. But, even though I say it here, I still don't believe it. Right now I feel the opposite. I feel tired, I feel emotionally and physically worn out, I feel weak for not being able to exercise like I used to, I feel lonely. But I have to keep saying this to myself.... And maybe soon I'll start believing.

This was something that I wrote very late last night after I was inspired by this conversation that I had with my mom. We were talking about these crazy expectations and beauty standards set up to young women and men. Even though I knew that it hasn't been always like this, it still shocked me to hear how different it used to be when my mom was young. Nowadays, especially teenagers and young adults like me are struggling under this heavy pressure to look the certain way, to have the "perfect body", like it would be the most important thing to achieve in your life. When our outer appearance is in so much focus, have we neglected our inner beauty and most importantly, our mental health?

For years, I've loved exercising and working out. Exercising relaxes me, motivates me and makes me happy. But at the same time I feel like sometimes I've done it for the wrong reasons. I've struggled with my appearance and especially my weight since I can remember. Over the years, I've learned to shame and even hate my body for the way that it looks.  Yesterday night it brought me to tears to finally realize how much pressure I had put myself and my body under. All because I thought I never looked "good enough", when in reality I was fit enough, healthy, strong and capable of so many things. So many things that I can no longer do (or at least at this point in my life). I let few extra kilos define me, and make me feel unworthy. It's time to stop.


Avoin kirje keholle jossa elän,

Anteeksi että vihasin sinua niin kauan
Anteeksi että ruoskin ja rääkkäsin sinua olemaan jotakin mitä et koskaan voisi olla
Anteeksi että vaadin sinua täyttämään noita hulluja vaatimuksia, jotka eivät ole terveitä
Anteeksi että olen pilkannut ja halveksinut sinua niin kauan kun muistan
Anteeksi että en antanut sinulle tarpeeksi lepoa
Anteeksi että en antanut sinulle tarpeeksi huolenpitoa ja arvostusta
Anteeksi että en rakastanut sinua sellaisena kuin olet
Anteeksi että halusin aina paremman, laihemman, kiinteämmän, nopeamman, lihaksikkaamman tai naisellisemman vartalon
Anteeksi että en arvostanut ja vaalinut sinua, omaa kehoani, sillä sinussa ei ollut mitään vikaa
Anteeksi että en tajunnut sinun oleva kykenevä niin moniin asioihin

Sinun takiasi,
Pystyin juoksemaan nopeasti tai hitaasti
Pystyin hyppimään ja kiipeilemään
Pystyin tanssimaan aamuun asti
Pystyin nostelemaan painaviakin esineitä tuntematta väsymystä
Pystyin kirjoittamaan paperille, pystyin piirtämään, pystyin maalaamaan
Pystyin tekemään niin monia asioita mihin en enää pysty, mutta mitään tätä en osannut ennen arvostaa

Anteeksi että aina puskin sinua saavuttamaan enemmän, koska luulin että niin kuuluu tehdä
Anteeksi että olin liian heikko löytääkseni oman polkuni, sen sijaan lainasin jonkun muun unelmia ja tavoitteita
Anteeksi että yritin saada sinut sulautumaan joukkoon, kun et muuta halunnutkaan kun erottua
Anteeksi että unohdin sisäisen kauneuteni etsiessäni sitä ”täydellistä vartaloa”, joka todellisuudessa on vain veteen piirretty kuva, ei todellinen, ei saavutettavissa, ei sen arvoista
Anteeksi että annoin muiden haukkua sinua enkä ollut tarpeeksi vahva puolustautuakseni
Anteeksi että peittelin sinua ja olen hävennyt sinua lähes koko elämäni

Anteeksi että en nähnyt miten kaunis, vahva ja ainutlaatuinen  Sinä olet 

1 kommentti:

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